The Art of Lying – Honestly

Don’t get me wrong – this article does not advise you to change into a dishonest deceitful turncoat, nor does it proclaim that lying is the way out of any difficult situation. I believe honesty is still the best policy – though in a different way than our forefathers (and mothers) probably thought.

In today’s world, there can be 2 variations of the truth – the ‘whole’ truth and the ‘hole’ truth.

The ‘whole’ truth – this means just what it is supposed to mean – giving your version of the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Useful only when you are morally upright, innocent, fearless, and are dating the Hulk.

The ‘hole’ truth – this means, well, the truth with a hole. This aspect marks a slight digression from the ‘whole’ truth. Though not strictly a lie, it does represent a butchered form of the real thing. Useful while trying to wiggle out of unpleasant skirmishes, or avoiding unpleasant people. Requirements include wit, quick thinking and as always, fearlessness.

Being the ideal person includes having a tendency to maintain a balance between the mentioned kinds of truth. The examples that follow make it evident that different circumstances require the application of different tactics.

Scene 1. After finals, you bump into the class nerd, who has won every scholarship under the Sun, has a 4.5/4.0 GPA, is going to MIT for graduate school (because they begged him to), and will save the world with his Nobel prizes, Oscars, Pulitzers etc.

Nerd: “Hey – how’d you do in that class?”

Your response:
The Hole Truth – “Superb – made an A”
The Whole Truth– Well, at least in one the subjects in pre-school you did.

Comment – notice how, by leaving out some details, thus disguising the truth, you can actually ingratiate yourself. Isn’t that better than revealing that you flunked the rest of the tests, never turned in your homework, and actually had to fight with the professor to get a C?

Scene 2: Your friends are insisting to go karaoke.

The Whole Truth: You’re in no mood to go because (a) you’d rather watch the movie you recently borrowed from a friend or (b) you don’t want them to discover your abysmal knowledge of songs or (c) you suck at singing. Period.

The Hole truth: (Also known as excuses)

1) Say you’re actually more than 5000 miles away (without saying away from WHAT – you are technically more than 5000 miles away from the Moon or Antarctica etc) – and that you’d really love to join them but can’t)

2) Take a bubble bath. Then call your friends and tell them you’re somewhere in the Pacific (after all, at least one molecule from the 20 gallons of water you’re in has probably been in the Pacific at some point – thanks to the water cycle).

3) Microwave a date (the dry fruit). Then tell your friends you’d go, but you have a hot date.

Scene 3: Your parents are getting on your nerves to get married and settle down (since you have a job now).

The Whole Truth: You don’t want to. Because you’re lazy, and don’t want to look after another hapless individual. Also, you’d rather sleep in every morning, go clubbing obsessively, flirt outrageously, drink boundlessly…etc.

The Hole Truth: Cheerfully, tell them you’re gay. (The word, after all, has more than one dictionary meaning). Recommended if you revel in family scandals.