The 'C' food diet

Since health has been rediscovered as the new wealth (although eating healthy seems to be primarily reserved for people wealthy enough to afford the expensive organic ingredients), I keep hearing about all kinds of diets - low fat, high protein, paleo, stone age, neanderthal etc etc. I've decided it was time I formally announced my own favorite.

Introducing, the 'C' food diet. Allowed foods include:
-Chocolate
-Cake
-Chips
-Cheese
-Cookies

This is most effective when shared with people verbally. 

The importance of being a potato

Am finding myself learning a bit about the Earth's gravity model these days. One fun simulation on the web: http://www.hydrometronics.com/images/turn7-large.gif

I'm pretty sure there's a potato out there that EXACTLY represents the shape and/or gravity of the Earth.

A claim no human being can make.

Swork

Recently, I found out that there were services/companies/websites (whatever you want to call them) out there that are hard to believe. For example:

Beeminder - a goal setting website which will charge you money if you don't meet your goals/fall behind.

Snuznluz - a thinkgeek.com alarm clock that will donate money to the charity you hate if you snooze

I'll add to the list as I find more...

Meanwhile, some other great ideas (in my opinion):
-an alarm clock that is connected to your bed, which will tilt to throw you off (or gently roll you onto the ground) if you don't wake up on time.
-gym treadmills/other exercise machines hooked up to video games or an exercise bike hooked to a fan that works only when you do..
-a whole gym setup to power a small city or a building, or a gym that powers itself with human exercise
-a kitchen sink that starts screaming when there are too many dirty dishes in it

More to come...

Oh - I think I'm supposed to be working..

Midterm week foods

Maggi
Oatmeal+Soymilk (Silk)
Corner Bakery Tomato and Mozzarella Sandwich (where the waiter almost said 'enjoy your honeymoon!' instead of 'enjoy your food!'
Radhika Bistro leftovers of Paneer Tikka Masala and Korma and Goat cheese samosas
White Mocha Starbucks Coffee
Blueberries (FULL of anti-oxidants)
Dirty brand Jalapeno heat chips
Waffles
Trader Joe's Milk Chocolate
Maggi
Maggic
Maggi

Chocolate Dreams

How rocket scientists roll..

11:07 PM
Me: Maybe I could propose an experiment to study the behavior of chocolate in outer space - what if aliens only ate chocolate? These questions are important!
Friend: Yeap, it could be an experiment on martian transfer diets. If astronauts only eat Chocolate for 7 months, what will happen?
Me: I'd volunteer!!
Friend: I'd be a reference for you
Me: Awesome
Friend: Mutiny on the space station
Me: Crazed astronaut claims chocolate stash for herself. Rest of the crew forcefully bundled into next Soyuz capsule and sent home. Public questions NASA's psychological criteria for their astronaut program
Friend: Crazed astronaut leaves Earth's orbit in search of mythical chocolate planet?
Me: the not-so-mythical chocolate planet
a much better place!
where global warming would only make things better!
imagine - you could lie down under a chocolate tree and just wait for the chocolate to melt :)
Friend: hahahaha
"where global warming would only make things better!"
quick, pollute pollute! It's not melted yet!!
polar chocolate caps?
Me: and snow = chocolate puffs!
and volcanoes that spew out molten chocolate.
I think I'd live inside a volcano

Homecoming Horrors

So how does it feel to be back home after you’ve spent the major chunk of five years out in the wild jungles of the real world, making discoveries like (1) you do not, and neither do your parents, undergo simultaneous combustion if you stay out of the house past 8:30pm, (2) not all the swimming pools in the world have green water, and (3) not all the trips you plan with friends are doomed.

The houses are just the same ,crying to be whitewashed. The bougainvillea lining the main road are just as neatly pruned as ever (because some politician or the other was recently dragged here to attend an event). The pool is still living up to its reputation as your friendly neighborhood pond (complete with algae and roaches). The campus at large is this close to taking over the Lucknow zoo (we already have beehives, monkeys, cows, dogs, cats, peacocks, neel-guys, snakes, and other wildlife of the shy-er variety).

The snakes are all right. What is really unsettling is the sea of new faces, the kids running around whom you don’t recognize, and then you see the parents and you don’t recognize them either. The 3-foot younger brother of a neighbor is a towering giant of 6 feet now. Someone waves to you, and you wave a shaky, uncertain hand back, clueless as to who the other person was. You walk your dog in the morning, and wave when you see that one uncle, some kid's father, now with grey hair and a matching beard, walking to work. He raises the same shaky, uncertain hand when he sees you.

No - what's worse is when when a ten-year-old bumps into you in the pool, she excuses herself with a muttered ‘Sorry Aunty!’ 

Re-defining English

Something I wrote a few years ago -

Literally:

1. GRANARY – grandmotherhood
2. TABOO – what a magician-turned-ghost would say
3. STALEMATE – boring pal
4. KILOBYTE – how a rabid dog kills
5. KIDNAP – children’s mid-afternoon siesta
6. MUTATE – become dumb
7. BROADCAST – overweight film casting crew

Realistically:

1. WEATHER-a lifesaving topic you resort to when all other conversation is failing.
2. SWIMMING POOL- a place where you can go to console yourself that others in the world are fatter than you are
3. NEWSPAPER- an accessory that helps you spy on the people sitting around you
4. EXERCISE BIKE- a piece of furniture that doubles up as a clothes hanger
5. DICTIONARY- a gigantic paper weight that sometimes encloses one’s dry-flower collection
6. LECTURE- a respectable and formalized version of a lullaby
7. VOLUNTEER- person who goes around collecting free T-shirts
8. JEANS - weight detectors (better and more reliable than weighing machines)
9. SECRET – something that everyone knows but pretends not to know
10. CELEBRITY – a person whose death makes headlines

And finally, inventing some on my own:

1. PERUSALTRAUMA – act of repeatedly counting the number of pages left to read in a particularly boring reading assignment
2. SIDDLE – move from side to side in a vain attempt to let the person in front of you pass by, only to find that he/she is doing the same
3. STUPIDITIOUS – person who believes that the next pinball game will show him his math test score
4. QUICKLEAN – act of cleaning up the house or your room five minutes before guests arrive
5. DISALBUWEL – remove personally unflattering pictures from an album
6. BRANDANCY- loyalty to a particular brand in the market
7. MASSMANIA – weighing yourself immediately after skipping a meal to see if some weight has dissipated
8. PICKACY – art of selecting the largest piece of pastry on a platter without the host or other guests noticing
9. SLAPTREATMENT – hitting the television/music deck/video-player to make it work

The Art of Lying – Honestly

Don’t get me wrong – this article does not advise you to change into a dishonest deceitful turncoat, nor does it proclaim that lying is the way out of any difficult situation. I believe honesty is still the best policy – though in a different way than our forefathers (and mothers) probably thought.

In today’s world, there can be 2 variations of the truth – the ‘whole’ truth and the ‘hole’ truth.

The ‘whole’ truth – this means just what it is supposed to mean – giving your version of the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Useful only when you are morally upright, innocent, fearless, and are dating the Hulk.

The ‘hole’ truth – this means, well, the truth with a hole. This aspect marks a slight digression from the ‘whole’ truth. Though not strictly a lie, it does represent a butchered form of the real thing. Useful while trying to wiggle out of unpleasant skirmishes, or avoiding unpleasant people. Requirements include wit, quick thinking and as always, fearlessness.

Being the ideal person includes having a tendency to maintain a balance between the mentioned kinds of truth. The examples that follow make it evident that different circumstances require the application of different tactics.

Scene 1. After finals, you bump into the class nerd, who has won every scholarship under the Sun, has a 4.5/4.0 GPA, is going to MIT for graduate school (because they begged him to), and will save the world with his Nobel prizes, Oscars, Pulitzers etc.

Nerd: “Hey – how’d you do in that class?”

Your response:
The Hole Truth – “Superb – made an A”
The Whole Truth– Well, at least in one the subjects in pre-school you did.

Comment – notice how, by leaving out some details, thus disguising the truth, you can actually ingratiate yourself. Isn’t that better than revealing that you flunked the rest of the tests, never turned in your homework, and actually had to fight with the professor to get a C?

Scene 2: Your friends are insisting to go karaoke.

The Whole Truth: You’re in no mood to go because (a) you’d rather watch the movie you recently borrowed from a friend or (b) you don’t want them to discover your abysmal knowledge of songs or (c) you suck at singing. Period.

The Hole truth: (Also known as excuses)

1) Say you’re actually more than 5000 miles away (without saying away from WHAT – you are technically more than 5000 miles away from the Moon or Antarctica etc) – and that you’d really love to join them but can’t)

2) Take a bubble bath. Then call your friends and tell them you’re somewhere in the Pacific (after all, at least one molecule from the 20 gallons of water you’re in has probably been in the Pacific at some point – thanks to the water cycle).

3) Microwave a date (the dry fruit). Then tell your friends you’d go, but you have a hot date.

Scene 3: Your parents are getting on your nerves to get married and settle down (since you have a job now).

The Whole Truth: You don’t want to. Because you’re lazy, and don’t want to look after another hapless individual. Also, you’d rather sleep in every morning, go clubbing obsessively, flirt outrageously, drink boundlessly…etc.

The Hole Truth: Cheerfully, tell them you’re gay. (The word, after all, has more than one dictionary meaning). Recommended if you revel in family scandals.

A Foray into the World of Arranged Marriages

Sadly, my mom has, once again, started broaching the subject of marriage.

"So - have you found anyone yet?" she asked yesterday.
"I'm not looking. So what did you cook today?" I said.

I think Indian parents start thinking about their kids' weddings the day they (the kids) are born - nay, conceived. 'Bride and Prejudice', though overly exaggerated, with a terrible soundtrack, still has an element of truth in it. The presence of well-wishing relatives doesn't help. As soon as they see two single youngsters, apparently eligible, the benevolent, bored, dormant match-maker in them surfaces.

Almost the youngest in the family, I know it's not my turn yet, and won't be for another five years- but my mother likes taking revenge for the Hellish times I made her go through while I was a teenager.

"You know, you should talk to that boy I was telling you about - he's so nice and respectful. I can give you his contact information."

"If you do that, I swear I'll send him a rakhi."

Raksha Bandhan is a Hindu festival which uses a rakhi, a fancy thread that is a symbol of the bond between a brother and a sister. Traditionally, a sister ties the thread on her brother's wrist every year, indirectly asking for protection. . . And money.

In India, cousins are considered to be like brothers and sisters. Since I don't have any real brothers, I landed in my cousins' houses every year. They never stopped complaining about this festival, and how unfair it is to the male pocket. Tradition, however, is tradition.

The rakhi is also a seldom-talked-about secret weapon that the Indian woman weilds. By tying the rakhi around a male friend's wrist, the girl is implying that she thinks of the friend as a brother. The dreams of several people I know have thus been ruined by a piece of thread.

"A rakhi doesn't mean anything," my mom replied loftily. Oh yes it does. "Besides, that would be a very stupid thing to do."

"If you like him so much," I seethed, "YOU marry him."

My dad, who was listening in, started laughing. My mom, even though I couldn't see her (over 9000 miles of wireless connection), probably gave him one of her you-aren't-exactly-helping-here stares. She dropped the subject of that particular boy, hiding her panic well. She probably figured that a rakhi would be a suicidal move.

"What about the boys in your college?" she persisted.
"They're all Gujratis," I said, inventing wildly. Gujratis are people from the state of Gujrat - they're cool, and awesome, and have nothing wrong with them, but a senseless excuse is still an excuse. My sister, two years older than me, claims all the guys in her school are Biharis (from the state of Bihar). Which is almost the Indian-equivalent of saying that all guys are red-necks. I know that's her defending herself from all potential matches.

My mother sighed, and gave up. She'll be back in action soon.
I know she means well. But the whole situation is, quite frankly, rather laughable.